


Grow old with me...the best is yet to be

by harmonsangel



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-22 03:58:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17052674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harmonsangel/pseuds/harmonsangel
Summary: A little what-if-sanvers-reunited-after-30-years angst for you, based on the tweet about the ring that was going round twitter a while ago. The ending is happy and soft I promise!





	Grow old with me...the best is yet to be

**Author's Note:**

> You can find the picture that Alex references at the start attached to the @SanversSecret tweet about this gift! I know it is actually a manip but it makes me soft regardless. 
> 
> There is a line at the end that is a clear reference to another fic that seasoned sanvers fans will probably recognise. It is from Spending My Life Falling Deeper In Love With You by oddcoupler222 (archiveofourown.org/works/11313030), and if you haven't read it, you definitely should! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy my fic <3

In a fit of frustration, Alex flips the photo frame onto the table and sends it crashing to the floor with one angry swipe of her hand. The tears come then, and she sinks her head into her hands, wondering how she ever let things get to this point. She is angry, frustrated, and sad, and all of these things directed only at herself. Angry that she let one rash decision ruin everything, frustrated that the decision is still hanging over her, and sad on behalf of the other people that were hurt by her impulsive and foolish behaviour all those years ago. Well. One person in particular.

She peeks through her fingers at the chaos on the floor, half hoping that it will have vanished in the time that she’s been crying. But alas, her inspection reveals a mess of broken glass, skittering out all the way to the front door. _Great,_ she sighs. _Another thing to do before she gets here._

The printed photo has half-escaped and now lies face-up on the floor, partially obscured by the snapped frame, mocking her with it’s content. It reveals a woman in her early thirties with long, wavy hair, dimples and a smile that could rival the sun. The woman is wearing a plain black scoop-neck and resting her hand on the shoulder of the person beside her, the object of her beaming smile. She is the most beautiful woman Alex has ever seen, and the embodiment of every regret she has ever had. Alex knows (she has, after all, spent enough time staring at the picture), that if she was to move the frame she would find herself staring back at her. Or at least, a version of herself. The Alex in the picture is young, happy and completely, unashamedly, head-over-heels in love. She barely recognises herself.

She tries hard not to keep track, but as she slowly becomes more and more accustomed to random and unexplained pain in her bones, there is now no ignoring the pressing reminder of her age. It has been almost thirty years since that picture was taken, and somehow both everything and nothing have changed. She has no illusions about being young, and knows deep in her heart that the moment captured in that photo is one of her last memories of being truly, actually happy. But in spite of all her efforts, in spite of thirty years of distance and therapy and trying absolutely everything she could think of, she is still head-over-heels in love with Maggie Sawyer. There was a point when she realised that was never going to change, and she is now more than a decade past that point. The difference between present-Alex and photo-Alex regarding their love for the other woman is the way her love is now laced with shame, guilt, regret and longing, all things that photo-Alex could never have dreamed of associating with Maggie.

She stands up suddenly and tries to shake off her despair, making her way to the kitchen cupboard to retrieve a dustpan and brush. After disposing of the broken frame and slipping the photo in a drawer, she sets about cleaning up the apartment and herself, all the while trying to plan some semblance of what she might say when she arrives.

Alex is never sure whether having Maggie back in her life has made it easier or more difficult. On the one hand, spending time with her in a friend capacity sometimes feels like to Alex like her heart is in a vice, gripping tighter and tighter with every moment in which she can’t hold her like she wants to, with every word she cannot say. On the other, the years where she didn’t see her felt like something out of a nightmare, where she discovered she had inadvertently built her life around her other half and was now incapable of living without her. At least now she had the promise of seeing her most days to look forward to, even if every hour spent with her felt to Alex like she was living a lie. Having Maggie back in National City was definitely a silver lining, but a very, very thin one.

After falling off the map in the aftermath of their breakup, Alex got the message loud and clear that Maggie thought it best that they lose contact completely, and she had complied. Apart from occasional checks via Kara that she was OK, Alex never asked anything else, even if her questions did keep her up at night. _Where is she? Does she still think about me as often as I think about her? Is she seeing anyone? Has she forgotten about me? Is she happy?_ And then, later on, many years down the line: _She could be married by now and I wouldn’t know about it. She could share her bed with another woman every night and never think about me. She could be happier than she ever was with me._ And as much as those thoughts made her nauseous, a part of her wished they were true. She wanted Maggie to be happy more than she’d ever wanted anything for herself. She deserved it, after everything she had been through. Alex tries not to dwell on the fact that her existence in Maggie’s life had only ended up adding to her insurmountable burden. She took small consolation in the knowledge that the woman she knew (and loved) would never be one to give up. The world was lucky to have Maggie Sawyer in it, even if Alex didn’t share that fortune.

Meanwhile, despite feeling like she was barely a part of it, life in National City had carried on much the same. Alex had slowly morphed through the DEO’s ranks up until the present moment when she assisted in an administrative role only, and often working from home. She had always loved her work, and slowly altering city-wide views on alien amnesty was one of the proudest achievements of her life. _(If she thought it would have made a particular someone else proud, well, that was just a coincidence)._ She had thrown herself into dating in the years after the breakup, with all the fake optimism of someone who wants so badly to make something work, but knows deep down they are fighting a losing battle. In a feeble attempt to justify ending things with Maggie, she looked into adoption, but realised early in the process that her heart wasn’t in it. She wanted kids, yes, but she wanted them with her wife, with Maggie. She came to the conclusion that she would end up holding Maggie’s absence against any child that she called her own, and that wouldn’t be fair, so she gave up.

Then, twenty seven years later ( _almost to the day since she’d last seen her, Alex pretended not to notice),_ she caught sight of a smile across a crowded coffee shop, and everything changed again. They were in the suburbs of the City, a decent distance from where Alex’s old apartment was, but close to her new place. She had moved around her 50th birthday, fed up of feeling old and out of place in the centre and wishing to be nearer to where Kara now lived with her husband and two kids. The first time Alex saw her, she went unnoticed. She felt a little bit like she’d been struck by lightning and a lot like she needed to go home and pour herself a strong scotch, so she snuck away. The second time, feeling it dishonest to keep hiding, even if Alex probably meant nothing to Maggie by now, she gathered every ounce of strength she had left and went over to greet her. They were in a bar that had only opened recently, full of aliens and humans alike since the concept of separation had become a thing of the past; everywhere was a safe space now. Alex was there with Kara and Maggie was there seemingly alone, so she sent a glass of Maggie’s favourite whiskey to her table and then followed it over.

Later, in a fit of brutal honesty, Maggie told Alex she had been trying to avoid her when she moved back. She wouldn’t have returned to National City if it wasn’t for a friend struggling with a divorce who had no one else. _(Alex’s heart clenched at the reminder of this woman’s compassion for everyone else, when others had so rarely had it for her)_. She assumed Alex had her own life now and didn’t want to intrude, she said. Not seeing the point in lying, Alex responded that she had very little going on these days and was honestly glad to see her again. At first it had been very slow progress, being friends again. At nearly sixty years old, Alex felt ridiculous to be so excited at the mere prospect of seeing someone. She was transported back to the first (and last) time she felt this way, across crime scenes and in bars, discovering herself and the woman she would come to adore for the first time. She admonished herself because it wasn’t supposed to be like that now, but she couldn’t help it. It wasn’t the way she dreamed of, but she had her back, and that was better than nothing.

For her part, Maggie didn’t seem to be as enthusiastic. She was always polite, and Alex still got hints of their old dynamic, but the walls she’d put back up to protect herself were glaringly obvious. Alex didn’t blame her and she backed off, conceding that if a friendship was going to happen, she would let it happen naturally, and it did. Kara couldn’t help it either, she was excited to see an old friend and couldn’t resist inviting her to the bar, to birthday parties, to meet the kids. Alex watched from afar, allowing Maggie the space to politely decline attendance if she wanted to.

But she didn’t, and with time they started to see each other regularly. At first, Alex engineered their lives so that if they were together it was always in a group, in an effort to make it easier for both of them. With time, despite the feelings Alex was so desperately trying to push back down, she finally felt that they were completely comfortable around each other, and that she could call it a genuine friendship. Maggie even joked one day that Alex was stuck with her again now, no matter what, which stunned Alex almost to silence. She met Maggie’s smile and mustered a response to continue the conversation, then went home later and cried for three hours.

It was around this time that Alex noticed the ring. Not on Maggie’s finger, she’d looked for that straight away. _(She tells herself it wasn’t a sigh of relief when she couldn’t see one, and then asks why she’s still lying to herself)._ This ring was on a long, silver chain around her neck, almost always hidden underneath her shirt. Age had not altered her fashion sense, and the flannels and scoop-neck sweaters were still in frequent use. ( _It made it extremely difficult to not see thirty-year old Maggie looking back at her when their eyes met)._ Alex saw the ring for the first time when Maggie leaned over to join hands with one of Kara’s kids, and it fell out from its hiding place, swinging and catching the light briefly before she could grab it. But Alex didn’t miss it. And then she never stopped thinking about it.

They had never discussed dating. Even after years of friendship, it still felt too uncomfortable. They now had almost entirely intertwining lives, full of family and friends and memories, but both their past relationship and any others they might have had stayed off limits. They both knew the other wasn’t currently married, but that’s as far as it went. Alex only glimpsed the ring for a second but her mind grabbed hold of it and ran, spinning endless streams of stories and possibilities that Maggie couldn’t deny because they would never discuss it. Alex’s assumed that Maggie had been married after they broke up, but that for whatever reason her wife was not still around. She tried not to be morbid but figured, if Maggie held it so close, there was a strong possibility her wife had passed away. Twenty seven years is a long time to be out of touch, and a lot can happen. Whoever she was, she must have been important. Maggie wore it every day but never mentioned it, and Alex could never bring herself to ask.

And for a while, Alex thought she could live this way. She was beside herself with happiness at having Maggie back in her life, and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin it. But what she failed to notice was that slowly, with time, she was ruining herself. She was already so angry at herself for spending so many years in love with a memory, and now even more time in love with a friend. Even worse, her friend wasn’t aware of her feelings and almost certainly not able to reciprocate them.

The nights had always been the hardest. She would lie there replaying vivid memories that time had not dimmed, of curling herself around a tiny and warm body, of getting a mouthful of long dark hair and not caring, of waking up already smiling because of who she was next to. Knowing now that that person was just a few blocks away and that Alex could see her in a matter of minutes if she wanted, well, that was driving her crazy.

Alex is a smart woman. She doesn’t hold onto illusions. She had always approached her broken heart pragmatically, bearing the weight of the pain but accepting that there was nothing she could do about it. She would deal with it and move on with her life. And that had always been easy with regard to herself, but the guilt, more than anything else, is what has been tearing her apart for so long. Not only did she make a huge mistake, but that mistake changed someone else’s life for the worse. Maggie had given all of herself to Alex, allowed her to break down all her walls and chase her demons away, because that’s how powerful their love was. And Alex had turned all of that on its head, telling Maggie that once again she wasn’t good enough for someone, she wanted something else more than she wanted her, not only inviting her demons back in but giving them extra ammunition to torture her with. She had made the decision in a split second, and known almost straight away that she had just destroyed another life for nothing. For years, there was nothing she could do about it; she could only allow the guilt to eat her up from the inside.

Except that now, she could do something about it. She could apologise. She could hold her hands up and tell the truth and say she has spent her life regretting what she did. She could ask about the other woman, the woman from the ring, and give Maggie the chance to talk about the person who didn’t discard her like Alex did. Maybe her face would light up, the way Alex’s does when she tells people about this amazing woman, as magnificent and breathtaking in her sixties as she was half her life ago. She briefly wonders if it might be selfish, if she might be doing it more for herself than Maggie, and she admits it is a possibility. But she also remembers a time when she and Maggie discussed her family and her father. She told Alex it would have made all the difference if she could have heard, just once, that they regretted losing her. She just wanted to hear Oscar say he was proud of her, that she was brave and strong, and that they were the opposite for what they did to her. And Alex couldn’t give her that, but she could let her hear it from someone else.

 

The decision to be completely honest with Maggie is the product of many sleepless nights, a few smashed photo frames, a speech that’s been written and unwritten in her head a million times, and a lot of pacing in front of her front door. When she finally hears the knock, she can’t believe she’s finally going to do this, but knows it will be worth it. Even if ruins everything, at least they will both be free. She opens the door halfway and peers round it.

“Thank you for coming,” she almost whispers, not liking how weak and scared her voice sounds.

“Danvers. What’s up? You sounded worried on the phone, is everything OK?”

Alex takes a deep breath and curses the way Maggie still takes her breath away. She has short hair now, not as short as Alex’s, shoulder length and still wavy. She has conceded the battle against grey earlier than Alex, who still has hers died red every once in a while. The dimples Alex loves so much are now not alone, surrounded by frown lines and smile lines and crease lines and all lines that Alex thinks just make her more beautiful. She tilts her head in confusion and for the millionth time in her life, Alex melts at the woman in front of her.

She lets her in, trying not to reveal how her hands are shaking. She doesn’t want to delay the inevitable, but pours them both a scotch and offers Maggie the armchair. She perches on the edge of the couch, figuring that whatever response Maggie has it it likely to make her knees buckle.

“What’s going on? Danvers, you’re starting to scare me.”

And since the first time she had been the cause of it, Alex had vowed to always do everything in her power to try and eliminate worry and sadness from Maggie’s life, so she launches in.

“I’ve got to say something to you. Having you back in my life has made me the happiest I’ve been in years, and I have no desire to hurt you. But you were always honest with me, and it’s time I do the same.”

To her credit, Maggie doesn’t scare easily, and her only reaction to Alex’s opening lines is to nod gently and start fiddling with her hands.

“I want to say sorry. I know your feelings for me are a thing of the past, and I’m not trying to drag us back there, but I know how much I hurt you. I knew what I was doing in the moment, what it would do to you, but I was being selfish. I had an idea of what my future would look like, and I got scared at the thought of changing it, so I tried to force something on you that you didn’t want. And when it was up for discussion, I assumed that meant I had to choose. Between you, and children. And I chose wrong. I knew that almost immediately. Suddenly you were gone from my life and I realised my future was you. Other people, friends, Kara, children, they were things I wanted in my future, but you were what I wanted and _needed_.”

Alex pauses, because Maggie is avoiding her eyes and she thinks she sees a tear streak down her face. She reconsiders for a moment, in case the hurt she’s giving her is not worth it.

“I’m sorry...maybe this was a bad idea...should I stop?”

Maggie looks directly at her again and doesn’t speak for a moment, considering her words carefully. She is crying, Alex confirms, and Maggie wants her to see it.

“No, you can carry on. I know what you’re doing. You think I need to hear this, you know it’s the kind of thing I want to hear from the people who have hurt me, and you’re right. But I need to say something afterwards, if that’s ok.”

And Alex smiles, because a lot of things have changed, but Maggie never has. She was always so fair and so inherently good. She always wanted everyone to have the chance to speak for themselves, and that’s what she’s giving Alex now. So she nods, and continues.

“I never moved on. I never saw anyone else beyond a few dates. You were it for me, and I knew that. And I wanted you back more than anything, but it wasn’t fair on you. So I let you go, and I hope, I really, honestly hope, Maggie, that you did find someone else, and that you were happy. You deserved that, deserved better than me and everyone else who has ever told you that you are not enough.”

She thinks she detects a minute shake of the head from Maggie’s direction, but she carries on.

“This is going to sound strange, but I wanted to ask you about the ring you wear around your neck. I’ve seen it a few times. I know you wear it every day. And I’m asking...I promise I’m not doing this for my own peace of mind. I’m asking because I want to know about her. I want to hear that you fell in love again and that you were happy. Because when you love someone, that’s the most important thing. I didn’t always understand this, because I put myself before you, and it’s the biggest regret of my life.”

Maggie’s expression has changed, into something vaguely resembling regret laced with amusement, if that is even possible. But she isn’t interrupting, so Alex decides to finish what she started.

“I’m still in love with you. I think you probably know that, from this speech. I tried not to be, but everything I tried failed. Even Kara gave up eventually, because she could see that I was always going to be torn up over you. I know you don’t feel the same. Now all I want is your happiness, or to know that you have had it in your life, the way you deserve. I just wanted you to know that.”

She realises she has been looking down during that last part, unwilling to see Maggie’s reaction in case it is negative, but she could never have predicted what she would look up to see.

Maggie is laughing. Well, not laughing, more chuckling softly, and there are still the hints of tears in her eyes. But she is definitely amused, and Alex is baffled.

“Why are you laughing? Is it...have you put us so far behind you in the past that the notion of me still thinking about you is laughable? Have I just completely embarrassed myself?” Alex is reminded of when they first started dating, when she would second guess everything she did and have Kara vet every one of her messages in case she made a fool out of herself. It took a while to realise Maggie didn’t care about any of that, she loved her anyway. But she same can’t be said now. She dreads the response to her question.

But Maggie doesn’t speak, not at first. In fact, she reaches behind her to undo the clasp on the necklace, and then hands it to Alex, placing the ring directly in her palm.

And Alex feels the wind knocked right out of her in one go, because she has seen this ring before, and not hanging round Maggie’s neck in the last few years. She has seen it on the fourth finger of Maggie’s left hand, and a matching one on her own, half a lifetime ago.

“Do you get it now?” A small voice breaks her out of her trip down memory lane, to a day a very long time ago when a beautiful young couple entertained an entire store for three hours with their ring choosing adventures and then went home and ‘consummated their engagement’ as one of them had called it, insisting the rings were visible to each other the entire time.

“You’re oblivious, Danvers. You forget that I know you probably better than anyone else in this world. I can practically read your thoughts. I’ve seen you worrying about this ring for months, and you never asked about it.”

Alex interrupts. “I didn’t want to overstep, I...you never mentioned it either so I thought it might be private…” She is stuttering, like she always used to around the one person who could make her nervous. Suddenly, Maggie is beside her on the couch, a steadying hand on her previously jiggling knee.

“Look. I probably should have mentioned it once I knew that you’d seen it.” Her voice is suddenly quieter, more shy, all traces of mirth gone. “But you know, it’s...it’s kind of embarrassing. Suddenly your ex-fiancee who you’ve been madly in love with this whole time and all her family and friends are back in your life and you’ve been wearing her ring the entire time you’ve been pining over her for thirty years...doesn’t sound great, does it?” She laughs again, nudging Alex with her elbow. But Alex is too stunned to respond.

“I couldn’t have you in my life,” Maggie continues, “and that was for the best. It’s like you said, when you love someone, their happiness comes first. You told me what it was that you needed to be happy, and I thought it wasn’t me. So yeah, even though it hurt like a _bitch,_ I let you go.”

She takes a deep breath, carefully choosing the words that have been waiting what feels like a lifetime to be said.

“I wasn’t mad at you. This is a scary world, and some of the scariest moments are when the people you thought had your back, suddenly don’t. But there’s no point resenting people for that, especially when they’re doing it for their own good reasons. You chose a future that I couldn’t be a part of, and that was OK. I wanted you to be happy, too. And you know me, right? You know I don’t give up easily.”

Alex finds it in her shocked state to produce a smile. “I know.”

“But honestly, despite all that, I couldn’t stop myself needing you with me. I tried to meet someone else, but every one of them...they just weren’t you. There’s no one else. There was never anyone else. I settled for memories instead, and they were great memories. I thought about you a lot, but mostly just hoping you’d found what you were looking for. And the ring...well, it was just my way of carrying a part of you with me.” She shrugs.  

“You...you really wore it this whole time?”

Maggie nods.

“You haven’t been married to someone else?”

“Definitely not. There’s only one girl for me. I-”

And Alex, finally gaining control of her body and her words after the shock she’d just recieved, finds herself propelling her face towards Maggie’s, stopping her mid-sentence with a soft kiss. And it feels to Maggie like she has been frozen in time, like everything has changed but nothing has, like she waited thirty years to be able to kiss Alexandra Danvers again and it was worth every second of it. She pulls away and swipes her thumb gently over the tears falling down soft cheeks.

“So you’re saying...you like me?”

Alex scoffs at the old joke, but plays along.

“You’re not going to go crazy on me, are you?” She pauses and teary laughter fills the air.

“I love you, Maggie. I always have, and I always will. I told you forever and I meant it. I’m so sorry for what I did, and for wasting all this time, but if you’ll have me, I will put my everything into our second shot. What do you say?”

Maggie just shakes her head. Some things never change. “You don’t need to ask my forgiveness, Danvers, you already have it. And even though we’re older, and wrinklier, and so much is different, nothing has changed for me between that day in the med bay when I told you, and now. I love you, Alex. With all my heart. Always.”

It is the first time she has called her by her first name since she walked out of her apartment all those years ago, and Alex cannot even begin to try to put her feelings into words, so she just kisses her. She didn’t think she deserved a love like theirs then, and she definitely doesn’t now. Nevertheless, here is this amazing woman, who walked onto her crime scene and into her heart and never left, giving her a chance for happiness back. She has what she has wanted for so long, and she has learned from her mistakes. This time, she will never let her go.

  


They drink champagne at their wedding. And if people say that sixty is too old to get married, Alex and Maggie think those people have never understood love. The ceremony is small, just their little circle of family and friends, with Kara’s daughters as the flower girls and J’onn walking them both down the aisle. They don’t pause for a second to think about the wedding that should have been, because they are here now, and that is all that matters. Maggie tells Alex she’s the most beautiful bride in the room, and Alex tells her to go and look in the mirror. In the guest book, someone writes, unprompted, that it was the gayest, tequila soaked wedding National City has ever seen, and they can’t stop laughing. Maggie moves the ring back to her finger, where it belongs.


End file.
